Well, the last few days have had quite a few crazy moments in them, and far too little sleep. Wednesday morning I wake up at around ten, quickly eat some of my favorite breakfast food, mass-produced eggs, and hop in the car and start driving south. Destination: San Antonio. Everything is going well, and around Austin I see a hitchhiker along the side of the road, and having never picked up one before, I decide, hey why not. He's a pretty cool old man, been all over the place, has lots of stories and such. I drop him off outside of San Antonio and he thanks me and all that jazz, good times. I hang out in San Antonio for a night, stay up way too late, and then in the morning have my traditional last cigarette, which is always way too early for a regular cigarette, and hop in the car for the insane ten hour drive home, which is always bad, especially on only six hours of sleep. However, the illusion of not going to San Antonio is further assisted by the fact that Ken decided to buy me a tank of gasoline in exchange for bringing home one of Kristen's suitcases full of stuff. I barely make it past the intersection of I-10 and I-20 before I run out of gas, but luckily there are plenty of gas stations around anyway, so all is well. I get into El Paso around six, and then just sort of laze around the house for a few hours, and go watch some Olympics with Jacqui. The next day I have decided to take Sebastian to lunch, and Whit comes along, so that was fun. Hang out with Mrs. Allison for a while, and then I figure I have a few hours to kill before my flight leaves, so I go over to Jacqui's house and hang out with her mom. So we are sitting there, smoking, and I figure maybe I should check to see exactly when my flight leaves. 2:15! But it's one already! Shit I gotta go. *Takes a few more drags* Alright, spray me with something, alright, alright, thank you for everything, have a good year, and I'll see you over Thanksgiving. Haul ass home, hop in the shower so that I won't smell so terrible, throw some pants on, rip the Soviet flag off of the wall, toss everything in a suitcase and make a few desperate phone calls to beg for rides before my phone's battery dies. My mom comes home, we jump in the car and race over to the airport. Unfortunately, my bag might not make it onto the plane, but I still have a few minutes. Which of course means that as soon as I step through the metal detector: "Excuse me sir, would you please step over here, you've been chosen for secondary search." Wonderful. Scan scan scan, apparently a pack of smokes sets of a metal detector wand. Run to the gate, and step onto the place as the seal the door behind me. Yet another close, frantic departure. What fun would travel be without them?

One defiant slap and the beast is gone. Good riddance, the blow smells terrible and drives sailors insane. Along with everything else that is out at sea. No wonder all sailors everywhere are insane, and have pegged legs. That way you can render them helpless with a simple beaver.

These are some awesome barnicles with some stupid whale stuck on them. I couldn't get a good shot without the whale in it, so just imagine that it's not there. But come on, look at those sweet barnicles!

This is a seagull that crapped on me when we were sitting around at some beach. It was very cold and windy there, which is nice because it limits the number of stupid Southern California surfer dudes falling down the cliffs around you in a desperate attempt to give meaning to their lives by riding around on a few waves then floating like the logs of crap that they are for several hours.

Here we have a waterfall, that we went to a few times in hopes that the sun would come out, but I actually prefer it with all the fog. *Swishes his hair back* It's so much darker that way. Like the pit of despair I live in. *Shoots himself with a water gun* Thwarted again.

Another four rolls, another few pictures for the masses. Here we have some nice California coastline. We saw a lot of this since we drove about three hundred miles along it.

Ah college. The smell of a very overused room, freshmen acting retarded for everyone's amusement, bad food, and sweaty, muggy, hot weather. It's good to be back. Moved all my stuff in, so now instead of a big mess in the car I have a big mess in my room, but when it's so nice and cool inside, the motivation to do anything just disappears. Besides, with Aaron as a roommate you can't really tell, because his piles of stuff will overtake mine in a few days anyway. I also ripped off T-mobile today, everyone be proud. They offered me a free month of service for a new contract, but instead I ordered a new phone with a discount in exchange for a contract. Then I call them back and get the free month of service anyway. Have to love that sweet German efficiency. On both our parts. That is definitely a good way to keep a customer. People love the feeling of ripping the store off, it is such a basic instinct. Feels good to walk out of a store with more money in your pocket then when you walked in, and the store knows perfectly well that they will screw you over in the end anyway. Oh, I'm sorry sir, you had to send that rebate within three minutes of purchase using DHL express package worldwide mail, and surrender the original UPC along with eighteen copies, and unfortunately, we only count seventeen here. Have a nice day. And then UPS gets involved and it all goes to hell.

So I was reading through my posts, and I realized that I have referenced a great event that was never talked about here. So without further ado, I present to you, the boxcar diaries.

Before our trip to the cabin, Mike, Rhonda (or Mrs. Sudimack for those of you too formal to use first names), and I drove over to the east side in the sweltering heat, slowly melting onto the exposed seats of the Jeep to pick up the key to said cabin. I am not quite sure where we are, but once you cross the tracks, it's very clear where you are. The Barrio. And if you don't know that, all the local merchants will remind you. Barrio car sales, Barrio licquor, Barrio hookers and bail bonds. We pick up the key, and hop back in, but just as our escape is about complete, I get stuck waiting for a train to cross. It comes to my attention that this train is slowing down, and is going to stop on the road, and then who knows how long we will be there. Low and behold, here comes the end. A single boxcar, door wide open, slowly rolls into view. I look at Mike and we both agree that we should hop into that boxcar. No no no, that's a bad idea, it's still moving and everything. But then it stops, which means it's no longer moving. So now we totally have to go jump into that boxcar, there is just no way around it anymore. We both hop out of the car, leave Rhonda sitting in the back, and waltz on up to this boxcar. Right as we are about to grab on and pull ourselves up, the whole train lets out a huge noise and starts off down the track. We immediately turn tail and run back to the car, Mike trying desperately to keep his pants up, and me yelling out something about my satchel on a stick. Had we gotten on that boxcar, we would have never had the balls to jump back out of a moving train, which would have left Rhonda sitting there in the back of the car as some train carried us off toward the sludge pits at Asarco. But that my friends was the first zany scheme that Mike and I ever had, and that whole day turned out to be a very good one. So cheers, to Mike, for being as big an idiot as me. Those aren't easy shoes to fill.

So my friend Mike and I were talking, the Mike of boxcar and heist notoriety, and an interesting idea was presented. I now present you with the pilot episode of "Breakfast With My Ex-es."

Opening scene, early morning at the Village Inn that we always go to. You see Ebert sitting at a table, waiting anxiously for someone to arrive. Aubrey strolls in first and sits down across from me in the booth.

Aubrey: So yeah, blah blah blah blah blah, some guy I'm dating whose way too old, and some stupid story about my ranch.

Ebert: Well, that sounds great. Hang on a second, I can't believe who just walked in.


The water slowly begins to shake as someone enters the building. A dash of red hair, and we all know right away that it's Misty. She attempts to squeeze into the booth but fails, instead opting to stand, a dumb smile lights up her face as she sees Aubrey.

Misty: Oh, hey Aubrey. I don't eat meat because of mad cow disease.

Misty precedes to stuff several cheeseburgers into her mouth, happy with the current situation. At this moment headlights flash into my eyes and Sabrina storms in.

Sabrina: I can't believe this.

Sabrina begins to cry and runs out, jumps into her car and angrily drives away, she then leaves several messages on my machine. Meanwhile, Misty has grown tired of not being able to fit in the booth, and a squad of suited gentlemen rush in and quickly escort her away to some fat camp that will do no good. The door swings shut, and it is once again just Aubrey and I. She looks to me and says.

Aubrey: Well, I'm a whore and have nothing to do tonight, wanna go fool around?

The End.

The next few rolls aren't as good as the first four, but still, you have to love this San Fransisco weather. Cold, windy, foggy, couldn't get any more perfect.

So yeah, here we are. Another person about to leave. Seems to be one of the only last days that is a big deal anymore. That leaves me here for a while. I'm usually the last to go. I guess you get used to it after a while. The nights have been getting shorter, and the remaining time is growing very thin. But there is always next year, isn't there? Yeah, there is always next year. And the rest of our lives. That was a very good point. Everyone will end up living together anyway. I hope. So there are still not enough people under me for my free ipod, so I am offering anyone willing to do it twenty bucks. You have to use your own stuff, but I'll walk you through it and make sure you aren't charged anything. And there you go, twenty bucks. I just want my free Ipod, I don't even like music that much, but it's a very addictive website for some reason. So yeah, anyone interested, you should all know how to contact me. Or send something to echris1@gmail.com and I should get it just fine. Thanks in advance, even though no one will do it, because for some reason people always think I am trying to scam them. At least, one person thinks that and so of course she has to badger everyone else into thinking the same thing. I have personally never conned anyway that wasn't perfectly willing to do it themselves. I mean, come on, I have paid back my debt to that woman several times now, in fact, I never even did anything wrong, but for some reason it is alright for her to break her side of the deal, every time. Because it's just more convenient that way. Damn that sucks. I should really do something about that. Maybe I will, we shall see how tomorrow goes when I talk to Jacqui and bargain, no, demand, a better share of everything I've done, and maybe a little bit of acknowledgement and consideration over there. Yeah. Well, I will be back here in the exact same spot tomorrow, maybe even earlier, since despite everyone's confirmations of staying up all night and having a crazy last day together, these plans are mere fabrications, soon to fall apart. So yeah, free Ipod. Do it. You know you need the money.

So I got my car back, which was taken because of the heist a few days ago. I will never quite understand their punishments for things. First of all, I'm 19 years old, what an odd thing to be able to do. Meanwhile, my friend's parents are running their lives and issuing curfews. Crazy stuff. But no, all that happened to me is that my car got taken away. I could still go wherever I please, I just couldn't use my own car. So when one morning my dad is looking through the sunday advertisements from local merchants he looks to me and goes: "Oh hey, could you go down to Best Buy and pick this up for me?" uh. "And could you pick up Sebastian from the mall on the way back?" Sorry dad, but I can't drive anywhere. He just wanders off and gets into his car, and I shoot my mom a look, I think that me not being able to drive hurts him more then it does me. I've realized that my dad is a very lazy man. Hey, Chris, could you install this wireless card into my laptop, you know the one, I asked you to take a completely unnecessary trip to best buy to buy it and had you fill out the rebate for me. Yeah, could you do that? And then he sits in the backyard reading the paper or working on his golf swing. So I come back a little while later, and I like installing stuff see, it's fun, there is a real rush with new electronics, even when they aren't mine. So I go downstairs and walk up to him. So yeah dad I installed your wireless card, it was having some problems so I updated some software on your machine and cleaned up a few things, then I had to reconfigure the network so that it would work properly with your operating system, then set it up so that you could easily turn it off when you are out of our homes range. Also, I repositioned the antenna on the router and reconfigured the firewall a bit so that you could get excellent signal strength here in the back yard, and surf the web at your leisure. He looks up and goes, alright, thanks. Did you mail that rebate yet? Uh, no, but I'll keep it for myself since I just got you those things for free by cheating the rebate system at Best Buy. I go back inside and he sits there in his speedo surfing the web and looking at pie graphs of his finances. I love stuff like that. That is some cool stuff to do with your dad. Awesome. So now I drive around and have him send a fax for me, and everything is back to normal.

So I am pretty sure I have fixed the problem. The talk with my dad wasn't all that bad, and while he wasn't looking, I changed his hosts file around to try and find my blog on his computer, which will never happen, so it just times out and gives an error message about the page not existing. That should hold him off for a few years. Coming up next, how to edit your own hosts file, or your friend's (enemy's) for profit and amusement. Everything has never been this naked. And that's a shame, tune in soon!

Unfortunately there has been a breach of security here, and for some reason "completely on accident" my dad managed to find this website. I will be taking down all the posts, and will inform those of you who can be here when I figure out what to do. So until then, send your thanks to lebert1@elp.rr.com.

This one shot is worth twenty-one rolls of film.

Ah, what a wonderful pair of days, just good times, hanging out, doing absolutely nothing just because you know you don't have to. Sit in the dark with some people and quote the Simpsons, spend a crazy day just smoking the whole time. A celebration of sorts. Alright, now it's back to business. I have recently come across an offer for a free iPod. Now, this is legitimate, I researched it extensively, and if you don't believe me, talk to me and I'll show you what's up. Of course, if your still skeptical, do me a favor and do it anyway. Nothing will cost you anything, and it will make me very happy. Anyway, check it out here. Once again, talk to me, if this works out I'll let you listen to stuff on it while I'm buying you a taco. Pretty sweet deal all around I'd say.
And now I'm off to sleep for twelve to fifteen hours. And you know what? Because I can, and don't have to do anything else. All summer. Ever. Ah fuck, I better wash the car tomorrow and drive around for now reason looking for a reason to drive around to wash the car. That should take me a while to figure out later, so I bid you all farewell.

So now, I can save ACAG, become a theater patron and savior, and take a sizeable chunk out of my debt. Six hundred is such a wonderful number, exactly what I need. Half goes to noble theater, a hundred to my picture development, and the rest to pay off those pesky plastic things that are always magically sliding themselves through magnetic readers to facilitate the transfer of a few numbers from one place to another and allowing me to go home with lots of stuff that I really need (don't need). Exquisite. Best day of the summer. Such much craziness, so little time, and it all started off with lots of bitching in Jacqui's room. I'm going to go see fucking ACDC! With this I can extend the range of my I-will-go-here-if-they-come-to-this-state-ness to whatever the hell backwater hole of some cobbled together borders guarded by son's of the soil hicks with shotguns is past Oklahoma. And so this wonderful day ends, with a cigarette out of my window, as the sun begins to punch it's way through my face and lights up the nearby trees with it's terrible terrible poison. Good things we had Bullet Zoot-suit Malahan on our side.

So as if our excellent heist/zany get-away wasn't enough to make tonight super badass, this next thing just took the cake, blew it away with an elephant gun, and wandered off to have a beer. Taking the last of the money I had from the meager amount given to me this month, and shreds of the forgotten sign money, I put sixty five dollars into our favorite casino, and played a few casual hands of blackjack. The stakes kept going up, and the bets along with it, good hand, bad hand, change up the bet to fuck with the casino, and just keep going. Limits were set and broken everywhere, but the end result was always the same, another hundred added on to the first one that I shouldn't really have. Finally I stop, check my account for withdrawal clearance and there it is.

God damn I am so fucking money.

So today started interestingly enough, but the bad stuff is always boring and when there is so much great stuff to tell it's just no use trying to get your fingers to listen to you, they pretty much do whatever they want. First of all, tonight was the night of our greatest heist yet, in fact, it was the night of two heists. So at Village Inn today I decide that the blue apartment book stand would look better anywhere else than chained to the outside of the restaurant. We rip the wires off, toss it in the Jeep, and speed off. Cops pull up the road while I wait for a left turn signal and turn their spotlights on, but we jet up the mountain, switch our bagman with our other driver at an undisclosed location, cover up the loot and fucking 86 it out of there nice and slow over the back roads. Excellent heist with first timers Jay, Phil and Mike. Phil was the brains, his excellent idea sparked my madness, Jay's big arms tossed it in the car and gave us a good excuse to be more spy-like, and Mike was in on it as the guy who came back even when he knew we might have cops on our tails, because he wasn't going to let us take the fall for anything. A wonderful job, best heist ever, and one of the greatest things we have done all summer. But this my friends is just the beginning.

Oh, for those of you who like the bad stuff, it will be the last thing in, that way you can read the story in semi order starting at the top of the page. But why so negative anyway?

So I figured out what my one great skill is. Alright, you know those speed bumps that are really wide, and because of that they just put two speedbumps next to each other? Well, I am very good at driving over them so that the left wheels never hit the bump, making the car much more stable, not to mention more comfortable for anyone on the left side. Of course, I could alternate it, but that gets tricky, and I can't really see anything on the right side of the car anyway, so that might be a bad idea. So if you have a choice, get on the left side, everyone always knows that the driver will look out for himself, since he has the important task of concentrating on operating the motor vehicle.

Dry Cleaning

Professional dry cleaning is an acceptable alternate to automatic laundering.

Ah yes, another summer's evening. Sunday's are always interesting, because everyone seems to be so careful, exclaiming to themselves surprisingly, "Oh it's sunday, we can't do anything on sunday. Why, that's the end of the weekend, although it doesn't matter because it's no different for all of us poor slobs who don't have jobs, but still, sunday!" So I often find myself doing absolutely nothing on these days. The Jeep is feeling slightly better, although I am not, and because of that I have been sitting around my house for hours on end now. I miss being able to sleep until the sun went down again, it was like a game, a game of how lazy can I be, and also how long can I avoid my dad coming in, which is hard, trust me. If you've ever tried to avoid someone while your asleep, you know what I'm talking about. I mean, the King of Prussia himself could wander into your house and take over the place. And where would you be? Having some dream about eating whipped cream off of some chick. Alright, so some good would come out of it, but still. I wonder if I have any whipped cream around...

So I'm back from California. It was fun, got to see The Lion King in the most beautiful theater I have ever been in. If your interested what that may look like, check here. Unfortunately they don't have any pictures, but you can at least read about it and be jealous. A great show by the way, I recommend it to anyone who has the chance to see it. I also took a lot of pictures, mostly of the same thing at different zooms and focuses. Ended up with twenty-one rolls of film. Total cost to develop them: $100. If anyone is particularly keen on seeing these anytime soon, donations are being accepted here. It stupid to ask for them, but hey, some people are real nice sometimes, and I promise I won't gamble any of the money, since I'm giving that up, at least until I pay off my credit cards. Anyway, I have noticed in the few hours that I have been back here that a lot of drama has built up, and this has resulted in everyone taking bitchy little walks again, and asking people to leave the room to have a quick discussion. Bah, it's all so damn stupid. On the upside, I played a game of Paranoia last night. What's Paranoia you ask? Well that all depends, what is your security clearance friend citizen? Surely Friend Computer provides for all your needs, so these questions are unnecessary. Here, have a sedative. Friend Computer will now serve you hot fun. Have a wonderful day.